Thursday, January 21, 2016


It's a gray, cloudy day.
I feel gray. 

 I feel like I am sitting all alone on this single, cold, gray bench.
No  one really understands. No one really cares. That's not unusual, I've felt that way since I was a teen. As an adult those feelings don't plague me often. But I feel that way today....cold and gray and alone. 
I didn't think it was bothering me, it never did before, but I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I trudge on to the task ahead.
I walked into the building and smelled that awful odor. I could feel that grim, determined look overtaking my face.
I took the elevator to the 3rd floor and checked in for my appointment and started a new book. The main character's mother has just passed away from cancer. That is not what I needed to be reading as I await my mammogram, the first one since my breast cancer diagnosis. 
Bonnie calls me in and I give her the pertinent dates, highlights, etc. She puts markers on certain areas and tells me my scar looks great. OK. She does her best to make me feel comfortable and does a good job. They have a new 3D machine and I like it better than the old one. Since I have lymphedema on my right breast that side hurts a little, but is nothing to complain about. She takes several 'pictures' and we hope we're done. I put on a warm robe and she
Bonnie leaves to speak to the radiologist so I pull out my book and do some more reading. A few minutes later both of them enter the room, we shake hands, etc. Dr Stephani asks how I am. Of course I say something to the effect of  "I'm not sure. How am I?" He assures me everything looks good, no signs of a tumor. 
I'm good! I'm great! I'm happy!
My one year cancerversary is almost here. If you haven't had cancer It means nothing to you, you don't understand, but to a cancer survivor it is a big deal.


  1. Linda, I wish I could have been there for you today. I am happy for your good report. You stay strong my friend. You know by now you are way tougher than you ever knew you could be...I am sending you big hugs and good wishes. May God bless you, xoxo,Susie

  2. I have not had cancer, and you're right, I have no way to understand what you are going through. It does, however, make me smile that you got a good report.

  3. Prayers my friend. xx oo
    Sending a BIG hug!

  4. It is a celebration every time we hear the word no cancer. You good come back in 6 months or a years. I do understand you feeling, as many others do. Cancer survior now 7 years coming April. Congratulations. Mine was a much easier journey than yours, but whatever the journey to be cancer free and a survivor is to be celebrated.

    Love and Hugs.

  5. I remember praying for you as you battled that terrible cancer!!
    Praise God for a good report!
    I am a cancer survivor, too! 27 years cancer free!!

  6. Prayers for another year, year after year, of good health and no cancer!

  7. I am THRILLED your mammo. went well. Happy!!!!!! :) Next week when I go in for my lab work, I am making my yearly mammo. appt.

  8. I am so glad that your tests came out great! It must have beeen such a relief. I had that feeling a lot all of my life. Not as much now, but these grey, dreary days don't help at all. But here in Wisconsin it is normal for this time of year to have these dark days.
    I couldn't read that book, probably not for awhile anyway. My mom died of cancer last Saturday and that would really hurt right now.

  9. Linda the drug my oncologist put me on for the preventing letrozole makes me terribly sad sometimes. I never had that problem before the cancer. Sometimes I just sit and cry. So I don't know if you are on one of those but if you are that might be worth looking into. I am glad you are cancer free!

  10. I'm sorry that I'm behind on my reading. Babysitting and snow days and that's been my world. Don't feel one bit bad about sharing your feelings. I can't imagine what each visit it like. I've had 4 biopsies and although benign, each visit and wait overwhelms me with anxiety and fear. My mama had breast cancer. Not only that, but I have fought depression my whole life. You may have read my blog The Upside of Down. It's a brutally honest look at depression. Hang in there! So thankful that the radiologist was there to relieve your fears and that you walked out of there with hope. Your journey is personal. I know what it's like to feel alone and I tell you if I had not made friends here in the blog world, I could not have made it these past 5 years. God bless you my friend. I still pray for "The Chocolate Lady" even though I now call you by your name, Linda. Thanks for your authencity.

  11. Bless your heart, I'm so sorry you've had to walk this journey alone but I'm so happy for you that your mammogram came out good. It must be so scary for you. My Alzheimers mom lives with me so essentially I feel very alone too and can be prone to depression so I can understand that "aloneness". It is a blessing for ladies like you who open their hearts and share because then we realize we're not alone. God bless you.