to: Cole (my firstborn grandchild, whom I am extremely proud of, & happy to see what you are doing with your life) and Ava (my 4.0 dancing diva, & entrepreneur whom I know will go far in this world) you might want to talk to your mother before reading this post. Some of my grands do read my blog so I try to keep it family friendly, but real at the same time. Today's post will be real and raw.
Time goes fast, doesn't it? You're a teenager and life is so confusing, you fall in love, your heart gets broken, if you're lucky you end up with a career you love, a family and then it starts all over again. Life changes quickly.....one minute you're on top of the world and the next you're trying to crawl out of the sewer.
Jan 25th my cardiologist said my heart was good! Earlier that month my mammogram declared me cancer free!!! I was on top of the world, I had several trips planned, a bedroom all prepped and ready for paint, big plans for the summer. I enjoy being a homemaker and retired. Hubby works 40 hours a week away from home so I feel it's my job to keep up the house and do the cooking, I'm a family person.
Jan 26 it felt like someone smashed the door in my face, I had absolutely NO energy so I cancelled my plans for the evening and waited for 'it' to pass. It became hard for me to breath, I lost my appetite, was nauseous, I just felt worse and worse every day. I gradually decreased my activities....no more thrift store, I barely got the grocery shopping done, cooking and cleaning were taken care of at the bare minimum.
What's wrong with me?
The flu? Just a lesser degree b/c I had my flu shot? A virus similar to what another friend had? My heart?
One day I had a physical scheduled with an NP, the physical never happened, the NP ordered blood work and talked my cardiologist. Some meds were changed and an appointment was made with a
rheumatologist because some indicators were high.
A few days later I had to have my blood checked because I was on blood thinners. My INR was was high so the coumadin was discontinued. I felt so crappy that I asked one of the nurses to take my vitals, my bp was pretty low and she thought I should see the dr, so I did. He ordered more blood work and a chest x-ray and a bone scan.
Nope, that's not enough yet. Remember I still need to have a physical....
My physical went well....I think. But I still felt like shit! The NP called my cardiologist (again) and he recommend going to the ER for more blood work and to get hooked up to a heart monitor. I decided not to go, my oncologist ordered the same bloodwork the day before.
Everything is scarier at night, in the dark. I didn't want to go through another night of worrying. Friday morning I called Kev at work and asked if he'd come home at noon to take me to ER. Since I was going to Green Bay I needed a driver and besides I was scared and needed him. We don't have a decent cardiologist here and Bay Care was recommended so off we went. I did cry a little on the way there...............what is wrong with me?
They took me in, hooked my up, gave me something for anxiety, ran a CT scan. The following day when I talked to Jalen I made him smile when I explained how the CT scan makes you feel like you peed your pants.
A short while later the ER doctor comes in and totally turns my world upside down. She says my heart is fine, but the cancer has metastasized. OMG!!! Never, in a million years was that one of my thoughts. I was cancer free, I kicked it's butt.........how? why? I listened to my cardiologist and my heart was doing great. I watched what I ate, I was into an exercise program, I felt like I had never been sick. I was not worried about cancer coming back.
When she told us Kev immediately gave me a hug and I know he had tears too. I cried on the way home...and am still crying.
I apologized to Kev yesterday, saying I am not a crybaby....he knows it and said I have plenty to cry about. We did talk a little. He is back into taking care of me mode.....I am happy he does it, but I should be doing my share .
I don't really know exactly what is going on. Fluid around my lungs and a spot on my right breast is what I think they said.
to be continued.................
Kev is making a pork tenderloin for dinner b/c I am too lazy.
Time goes fast, doesn't it? You're a teenager and life is so confusing, you fall in love, your heart gets broken, if you're lucky you end up with a career you love, a family and then it starts all over again. Life changes quickly.....one minute you're on top of the world and the next you're trying to crawl out of the sewer.
Jan 25th my cardiologist said my heart was good! Earlier that month my mammogram declared me cancer free!!! I was on top of the world, I had several trips planned, a bedroom all prepped and ready for paint, big plans for the summer. I enjoy being a homemaker and retired. Hubby works 40 hours a week away from home so I feel it's my job to keep up the house and do the cooking, I'm a family person.
Jan 26 it felt like someone smashed the door in my face, I had absolutely NO energy so I cancelled my plans for the evening and waited for 'it' to pass. It became hard for me to breath, I lost my appetite, was nauseous, I just felt worse and worse every day. I gradually decreased my activities....no more thrift store, I barely got the grocery shopping done, cooking and cleaning were taken care of at the bare minimum.
What's wrong with me?
The flu? Just a lesser degree b/c I had my flu shot? A virus similar to what another friend had? My heart?
One day I had a physical scheduled with an NP, the physical never happened, the NP ordered blood work and talked my cardiologist. Some meds were changed and an appointment was made with a
rheumatologist because some indicators were high.
A few days later I had to have my blood checked because I was on blood thinners. My INR was was high so the coumadin was discontinued. I felt so crappy that I asked one of the nurses to take my vitals, my bp was pretty low and she thought I should see the dr, so I did. He ordered more blood work and a chest x-ray and a bone scan.
Nope, that's not enough yet. Remember I still need to have a physical....
My physical went well....I think. But I still felt like shit! The NP called my cardiologist (again) and he recommend going to the ER for more blood work and to get hooked up to a heart monitor. I decided not to go, my oncologist ordered the same bloodwork the day before.
Everything is scarier at night, in the dark. I didn't want to go through another night of worrying. Friday morning I called Kev at work and asked if he'd come home at noon to take me to ER. Since I was going to Green Bay I needed a driver and besides I was scared and needed him. We don't have a decent cardiologist here and Bay Care was recommended so off we went. I did cry a little on the way there...............what is wrong with me?
They took me in, hooked my up, gave me something for anxiety, ran a CT scan. The following day when I talked to Jalen I made him smile when I explained how the CT scan makes you feel like you peed your pants.
A short while later the ER doctor comes in and totally turns my world upside down. She says my heart is fine, but the cancer has metastasized. OMG!!! Never, in a million years was that one of my thoughts. I was cancer free, I kicked it's butt.........how? why? I listened to my cardiologist and my heart was doing great. I watched what I ate, I was into an exercise program, I felt like I had never been sick. I was not worried about cancer coming back.
When she told us Kev immediately gave me a hug and I know he had tears too. I cried on the way home...and am still crying.
I apologized to Kev yesterday, saying I am not a crybaby....he knows it and said I have plenty to cry about. We did talk a little. He is back into taking care of me mode.....I am happy he does it, but I should be doing my share .
I don't really know exactly what is going on. Fluid around my lungs and a spot on my right breast is what I think they said.
to be continued.................
Kev is making a pork tenderloin for dinner b/c I am too lazy.
Oh Linda. I'm so thankful you have an outlet where you can just dump out everything that is on your mind and in your heart. I loved the rawness and the realness of this post and I think you should definitely keep this way of writing going in your next posts. You know, as a fellow breast cancer survivor, that I totally understand where you are coming from when you write and I have to say, my heart is broken. I never dreamed I'd hear you say you have breast cancer again. As survivors, that thought is always in the back of our minds...when is the cancer coming back...is it coming back...where will it come back...will I make it through it...those are all valid concerns and we have a right to feel scared, alone, angry, confused...all of the many emotions that no one can understand unless they've been there. As I read this post, I got scared too. This weekend, we went up to the mountains and I did a little hiking. I was coming up a really large hill and got really out of breath. I know my right lung was damaged from radiation because the oncologist told me so but it was a lot harder to breathe than in the past. When I read your post, I wondered if perhaps my cancer has returned too and if it has spread to my lungs, I pray not but on my next visit to the oncologist, I am going to demand they check. I keep you in my prayers daily and will keep on praying and asking God to give you a miracle. Thank you for being my friend and thank you for sharing your journey. Love and prayers, Bonnie
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear that! It must be an awful thing to hear! I will pray for you and hope for a miracle.
ReplyDeleteI am crying reading this I am a cry baby these days! I am sorry. I am glad you have Kev. You are ever in my thoughts. Hugs ♡
ReplyDeleteLinda, I will pray, I have had breast cancer come back to visit the second time and I am currently 10 years away from my last cancer surgery and treatments. We are infinitely stronger than we imagine. Head up.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that the cancer is back. I will also be praying that God will take it away, again...
ReplyDeletewarmly,
deb
You will kick this one too! Love and prayers! So many are already praying for you that you will feel the strength and power behind those prayers! Just keep on keeping on......all you have to do is take it one step at a time.
ReplyDeleteso very sorry to hear this dear. will be praying for you. you will get through this, you are a warrior.
ReplyDeleteHugs and prayers!
ReplyDeleteLinda, I have no words except that I'm praying for you.
ReplyDeleteLet him continue in the Caretakers mode. You just rest and let him care for you. Love and prayers, my friend.
ReplyDelete