Thursday, October 9, 2014

A Week Full of Plan 'B's

It seems like nothing I had planned this week went the way I planned it. Nothing really bad happened, just not what I thought would. The chemo is wearing me down and I am not popping back up as quickly as I had been. I haven't read or commented on your blogs. My emotions are all over the place too.
I continue to be very tired, last week I ran with it. This week I have appointments. Sometimes I have to force myself to get out and then I feel better.......still tired, but I have to get out of the house!
My girlfriend  brought me lunch on Sunday and we had a nice visit, so why was I so sad and did I cry when I went to bed?
On two different days I took my SS to the clinic. One afternoon SS and I took his son to the park.....we walked along the beach and on the way back we walked up an incline and I didn't know if I was going to make it. I am so out of shape and worry about my heart. Herceptin is not easy on one's heart. I know they monitor my heart but I still worry.
One morning another friend came over for coffee, so my plans to do some housework were foiled. 
Today Kev and I went to talk to the surgeon and schedule my surgery.We were disappointed to see that the lump had only shrunk 25%. I am having a partial mastectomy (lumpectomy) on the 27th. He doesn't know how many lymph node(s) will be removed. Before the surgery they'll inject radioactive material into my breast and then watch which lymph nodes it travels into. I thought today would just be a short appointment, I was wrong. The fall colors were beautiful on the way to the surgeons office so I enjoyed the sights. We talked, he examined me, and I had and EKG, chest x-ray, and some lab work done. He also set up an appointment with the radiology Dr. After all the discussion about the surgery I am getting worried and scared. I started to cry when the nurse hugged me, I cried when I laid down this afternoon for a nap. No sobbing, no bawling.....just the tears rolling down my face. I really haven't done any crying since this whole thing started. Crying is not my thing.
I wonder if the chemo will be the worst part for me?
I have seen other breast cancer survivors and they seem healthy and happy.....but that is only what I see on the outside.

Tomorrow I have to take my car in for some recall the afternoon I  have a massage!!! woo hoo!!!
I hope this hodge-podge makes sense. 


  1. I wish I could come visit and make you cry some more.(just teasing) I am not a crier either. BUT you are on weird drugs and a lot of crap is going on. I feel so bad that I am unable to just hop in my car and zip over there. But I think you understand my issues. I WILL come see uyou after surgery. ONE way or another.

  2. Linda, I'm right there with you on the emotional roller coaster ride. It's amazing how cancer does that to people, isn't it? Are you ready for the radioactive dye test? Have they told you what it will be like? If not, email me and I'll tell you what to really expect. I'll also be glad to share about the lymph node removal if you want to know. I'm here for you. Has your doctor talked to you about having any drains after surgery? If you have them, that will be the worst part. They are very uncomfortable. I don't want to scare you or make you dread anything, just want to give you a heads up if you want it. Let your emotions out as they come...don't hold them in. You need to be able to process things in your own time. Love you and I'm praying for you. Remember God has you firmly in the palm of His hand and He won't let you go!

  3. You really can't contol your feelings just the way you respond to them. I would say you are doing remarkably well! Don't worry about the crying....tears are cleansing. They also wear you out and let you sleep. Sleep is good. I'll ask mom to watch over you during your surgery on her birthday.

  4. Dear Linda, I will keep you in my prayers. ~ Catherine