Thoughts That Bounce Around In My Head In The Wee Hours Of The Morning

Since I have a really weird sleep pattern lately I'm awake from about 1:30 AM - 4, 5, or 6 and lots of thoughts run rampantly through my mind.

1. You  might be trying to kill me, but we're onto you and are one step ahead. Last Thursday I saw the cardiologist and he gave me a water pill and another diuretic. They didn't seem to be working so I called on Monday and they finally got back to me after 5. By that time I noticed some numbness on the top of my right foot. Tuesday morning I went in for an ultrasound of the veins in my legs. The technician found blood clots in my left leg. I was sent home with warfarin and enoxaparin (an injection in the stomach). Give myself a shot???? I don't think so! Fortunately I have a friend who is a retired nurse who comes over every day to do it for me. Thank you Carla!!!

2. I've had to let people do things for me this past week, I just could not do it myself. I even left my SIL take our laundry home and do it. She also made a big dish of chicken dumpling soup, it looks soooo good........but it's low sodium. No offence Kitty, but low sodium sucks, I guess it is something I will have to get use to. 

3. Yesterday I went back to the cardiologist and remembered to ask him some questions. He said my heart is improving and after reviewing my blood work he adjusted my meds. My weight was down the past 2 days but is up again today. I weigh myself every day (checking for water loss).

4. Will these blood clots be the last road block before my surgery? Things were going so well......then.... Is my tumor growing again? What is going to happen when I go  back on the Herceptin?

5. I can't wait until I can walk up the stairs again with out falling down on the bed immediately. I am so tired of being tired. I guess it will come...............I can't wait until I can sleep at night and stay awake during the day. What's wrong with me that I am not smiling like the women I see on facebook??? Why am I just a lazy, sad, tired old lady?

Guess I'll just lay around now and watch some TV.

The Truth Be Told

Last week was full of appointments.

On Thursday I had 2 doctor appointments, piece of cake, eh?

The day started out with a misunderstanding on facebook. You'd think I'd know better!

Then it's off to my dr appointments. I made sure I arrived early enough to be on time, I need extra time b/c I need to rest. It's really hard for me to walk from the car to the building, but I make it and plop down on a bench so I can catch my breath. After a bit I walk into the hall and look for a wheel chair. There aren't any! Oh No! I have to walk down a 10 mile (it might as well be) hallway to get a chair. After a couple of stops to lean against the wall I spot a friend walking toward the elevator. I finally get her attention and ask if she's get me a wheelchair....I am almost in tears. By the time she gets back to me I am in tears. I am sure she has never seen me like that, but I just couldn't help it. So here is my Red Hat friend, who is on her way to get her stitches out, pushing me in a wheel chair. We were both going to the same place so we had a chance to visit too. 

The nurse weighed me and I gained more weight. Then I saw the cardiologist. He tells me my heart is pumping at 33% and my mouth drops open. I don't have any idea of what it should be, I'll ask when I see him this week. I have congestive heart disease. Sounds pretty scary to me! Therefore my surgery is postponed. Three upsetting things in my day so far.....and I am very weak. The busy week tired me out. After that appointment one of the nurses wheeled me to my next one.

When I got home I had to call Kev at work to tell him not to take off work this week. I must have sounded teary b/c he asked if I was OK and said he'd be home soon. ....unusual conversation for us.

Before he left for bowling he came up behind me and gave me a genuine hug, told me he loved me and said it will get better. It's a side of him I don't see. I am not a crier and he thinks tears are just a ploy for attention. Not on Thursday they weren't. I think I talked to my girlfriend that day too and cried on her shoulder. It was a bad day!

The cardiologist gave me a prescription for Lasix  and another pill to go with it. Everyone is telling me I'll be in the bathroom every 5 minutes, but I am not. I am trying to drink but am perpetually nauseous and don't like eating or drinking so I am not drinking 2 quarts. Of course I am craving pickles now....too salty for me. I have some questions for him and my next appointment isn't until Thursday so I am going to call him tomorrow.

I know it has only been 6 months and some people deal with cancer for years.............but this is getting to be so draining on my body and spirit. How do they do it???

I have noticed, when I am in bed, trying to sleep and listening to myself breath, that my heart is not beating so hard or racing. Since the doctor changed my blood pressure meds my cough is better, it should go away.

If you know me you know I don't feel well b/c I have no desire to stop at the thrift or craft store. I don't even want to leave the house. I don't want to do anything. I'd prefer to sleep, but I just nap in the afternoon. Four weeks out of chemo and my eyes water constantly and my nose drips all the time.  From what I understand that could LAST a long time.

I am hoping by the end of the week to feel a teeny tiny bit better.....to just be able to walk to my car without huffing and puffing. .....to be able to wash the dishes without taking 3 breaks....to reach into the washer to get the laundry out of it.

Thanks for listening to me whine.

My Week So Far

Saturday I invited my step-daughter and step-son and their families for dinner. Mistake? I had been feeling pretty tired of late. Too late, the day must go on. saturday morning Kev was up early and did some cleaning and I completed my grocery shopping in slow motion. Jessica, Chuck, and Kev helped get my simple meal cooked and on the table.  SS and his 3 boys did not show up but 2 other friends did. We had a nice visit and I felt good that day. Michele helped me clean up afterward. I could not have done even a simple dinner without everyone's help.

one of the kids usually pulls out Twister

Sunday I did not feel so good and almost feel asleep right before I had to pick J up from Sunday school. 

Monday I had a doctor appointment,chemical stress test and another test that I can't think of now. I spent most of the day at the hospital so when I got home it was time for a nap. Whatever they injected me with made me so nauseous that I got up twice during the night to take my anti-nausea pills.

Tuesday I had more tests, one was done right away....the other.....was over booked and I waited for over an hour. A LONG time when you don't feel good. Since I can not walk very far I've had to ask for a wheel chair, if you know me you know that I do not like asking people to do things for me. I also met with the radiology oncologist. After another LONG day at the hospital I came home and took a nap. 

Today I had a breathing test. I'm breathing, does that mean I passed??? At one point I coughed and that stopped the test. The technician gave me an albuterol inhaler and I did that part over. The inhaler did make me feel better for a while. I do have some housework to do today......before nap-time? or after?

Tomorrow I have 2 doctor appointments. I can't wait to see what the cardiologist has to say about my heart and to find out if it is safe to have surgery on Monday.

I also can't wait until I have more to write about other than doctors and such stuff. 

Doctors, Nurses, and Tests, Oh My!

Well, I said I was worried...........

I have started a round of doctor visits and tests. Yesterday morning I took my SS to the dentist, in the afternoon I had a dr appointment (with more blood-work), and after dinner I had a CT scan. Have you ever had one of those? It's quick and easy, dye is injected into a vein.....but......it has a warm feeling and you feel like you peed your pants. The dr asked me to wait for the results (she was looking for a blood clot). I waited over an hour. They had a really busy day and were working late. Sadly, because of that, I had to back out of a school function that I promised my grandsons I'd attend. The scan showed fluid around my heart so we have a new concern. It was most likely caused by the Herceptin. 

Thank goodness I have good veins....I got needle pokes in both arms.

The only good news I can think of is that I will not have a Herceptin treatment on Monday.....or is that good news? I'll have more blood work and see my oncologist Monday. I have a lot of questions for him. Later I'll have a stress test. Since I am unable to walk on the treadmill it will be chemical test.  I can't wait. NOT!!!

Tuesday I'll have an ECHO and a resting scan of my heart. I also have an appt with the radiologist. 

Wednesday I have a breathing test scheduled.

Thursday I see the cardiologist. 

Will I be able to do nothing on friday???? Let's hope so!!!

Thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder. I'll keep you posted.

The Art Of Tablesetting

Once again I made my annual trek to see the table settings at the Rahr West Museum. There is always quite a variety of displays. 

the one above is ORB, the 2013 winner of the Kentucky Derby.

Japanese dining for all ages depicts several different styles of Japanese dining.

Angels among us.....hope the feather don't get in MY food.

Nutcracker Memories. This mom took her 4 year old daughter to see the Nutcracker for the first time and it has been a tradition ever since.

The Sound of Music

This display is inspired by her son's leukemia diagnoses. Around the edge of the table you see the different colored cancer pins. I am sure you're asking "what is that orange person?" She is Zach's superhero, she's born from a friend of Zach at Halloween and she goes to all of the Zeal (Zach's effort against leukemia) events. I think ZEALIA is awesome!

Winter friends

Dinner with Dracula

Look under the table - you'll see some rats.....eeewww

Glamping

I just love the one........so warm.......I want to go to Italy and eat here.

Playtime tea party

Manitowoc and Kamogawa (Japan) are sister cities and this is a collaboration between them.

Such a pretty spring time table

Legacies of our grandmothers

Heirloom items made by the grandmothers

A beautiful, simple, traditional table setting. 

Thanks for taking the time to visit.

I have to admit to being a bit disappointed this year, there were several open spots and nothing really wowed me. Guess I shouldn't complain - I certainly don't have the imagination to make at table setting. 

It's Always Something

I had a different post in mind for today but a phone call I received this morning changed my mind. My surgeon's nurse called this morning to give me the results of my EKG. I have an irregular heartbeat, I knew that but my on oncologist wasn't concerned so neither was I. Last week I took my BP on one of those machines at the drug store and my pulse was 103. I don't really feel my heart racing....maybe I don't want to? I do know that I get out of breath very easily....I am even more out of shape than normal. Now I am afraid to even start walking.

But that's not all folks.....I have an enlarged heart too. Now you might understand why I had another crying spell this morning. The nurse who called me didn't seem too concerned, but that's her job. I am seeing my regular Dr to get a release for surgery, so maybe it is nothing to worry about. In my weakened state I just can't help but to worry. I wasn't referred to a cardiologist .....so I guess that's good.

This is the 2nd serious health issue I've had. When I was in my 30's I was involved in an auto accident and broke my femur. Somehow I ended up with a blood clot and in ICU taking morphine. I was hospitalized for 5 weeks. This is no lie: the nurses at the hospital I was in told my mother that often red heads can be/have unusual things happen. They kind of equated red heads with a full moon......you never know what's going to happen. Is that what's going to happen now?

I guess I better get my questions in order.

Thanks for your support!

Just Thinkin'

Today, as I was waiting for my car, I was thinking. That's about all my body is capable of lately. We'll get to that in a minute.

Autumn is a beautiful time of year to go for a drive in WI.

God gives us all this beauty to distract us from the cold, harsh winter that is coming. 

It's even more beautiful if you drive past the lake (Lake Michigan).

I've come to realize that people with chronic pain do not walk around with a smile on their faces. They just do not have the energy to do so. I am not in pain but I feel sick to my stomach all of the time, it lessens, but  it is there. So I walk around with my lips pursed, teeth clenched, and I am not smiling either. I see sad when I look in the mirror but maybe others see crabby.

I remember when I sold Avon (didn't everyone?) that we were told (when making calls) that people on the other end of the telephone can hear your smile. I believe it! I tried to smile when I answered the phone at work. My co-worker was told that she sounded cranky on the telephone, I don't think she was, but she sounded that way. I don't think she smiled when she said "hello". I wonder if I sound differently now.......probably.......sorry.

I just don't have the energy any more.

A Week Full of Plan 'B's

It seems like nothing I had planned this week went the way I planned it. Nothing really bad happened, just not what I thought would. The chemo is wearing me down and I am not popping back up as quickly as I had been. I haven't read or commented on your blogs. My emotions are all over the place too.

I continue to be very tired, last week I ran with it. This week I have appointments. Sometimes I have to force myself to get out and then I feel better.......still tired, but I have to get out of the house!

My girlfriend  brought me lunch on Sunday and we had a nice visit, so why was I so sad and did I cry when I went to bed?

On two different days I took my SS to the clinic. One afternoon SS and I took his son to the park.....we walked along the beach and on the way back we walked up an incline and I didn't know if I was going to make it. I am so out of shape and worry about my heart. Herceptin is not easy on one's heart. I know they monitor my heart but I still worry.

One morning another friend came over for coffee, so my plans to do some housework were foiled. 

Today Kev and I went to talk to the surgeon and schedule my surgery.We were disappointed to see that the lump had only shrunk 25%. I am having a partial mastectomy (lumpectomy) on the 27th. He doesn't know how many lymph node(s) will be removed. Before the surgery they'll inject radioactive material into my breast and then watch which lymph nodes it travels into. I thought today would just be a short appointment, I was wrong. The fall colors were beautiful on the way to the surgeons office so I enjoyed the sights. We talked, he examined me, and I had and EKG, chest x-ray, and some lab work done. He also set up an appointment with the radiology Dr. After all the discussion about the surgery I am getting worried and scared. I started to cry when the nurse hugged me, I cried when I laid down this afternoon for a nap. No sobbing, no bawling.....just the tears rolling down my face. I really haven't done any crying since this whole thing started. Crying is not my thing.

I wonder if the chemo will be the worst part for me?

I have seen other breast cancer survivors and they seem healthy and happy.....but that is only what I see on the outside.

Tomorrow I have to take my car in for some recall work...............and..............in the afternoon I  have a massage!!! woo hoo!!!

I hope this hodge-podge makes sense. 

Wanna Ride On My Roller Coaster?

You probably don't.....neither do I.

Monday was my last chemo and I've gotten a idea of how the week will progress. I figured Tuesday would be good so I ran some errands. Before I even got dressed I called a radio contest and won 2 fish dinners. My girlfriend is picking them up so I am giving her one dinner. Monday and Tuesday I was surprised with some gifts. Thanks for thinking of me!

At the thrift store I found a white lab coat for my grandson's Halloween costume. 

I picked up $40 from the consignment store (that was a pleasant shock). The mailman brought me some goodies. I even got some stuff accomplished at home, yes, it was a good day. 

Then Wednesday came along......I had a tired, bad, cranky, emotional day. Glad it is over. 

I guess I slept good last night. Anyway I got up late today and decided to work on my project life scrapbook....to h*** with the dishes (for now). But......I couldn't print the photos I needed, I'm out of ink. I am NOT getting dressed and going out today, maybe tomorrow.  On to plan B. Yup, it's up and down. 

My stomach is telling me to eat, but nothing appeals to me....gotta eat tho. The metallic taste in my mouth is returning :-(  .....let's hope my nasty canker sore does't get worse.

Yes, it will get better!!! Next week I'll start to feel better.....at least I hope so, I have lots of appointments, including a consultation with the surgeon. In the meantime I will try to listen to my body and take it easy.......and fighting with everything I have. 

I have been dragging some of my friends along on this roller coaster ride with me.....and I know 'it ain't fun'.

I sure hope my wall-eye dinner is tasty tonight!!!!

Wordless Wednesday/Fall Photos

 Yesterday I had a good day.

Had to run some errands.

So I took my camera and took some fall photos.

And I got a few other things done too.

Happy fall!!!