*tired
*nervous
*starting to get overwhelmed
*feeling lonely
I just had to buy this new, tags on, t-shirt when I saw it at the thrift store.
We had a nice time in Reno.
I barely gambled and did make some money, not as much as Michelle did tho...she made about $1000...of course she spent more time on the machines than I did.
One night we saw a magic show with some beautiful wild cats, it was pretty good.
The following night we went to a comedy show. I didn't care for most of it, call me a prude but saying F* and talking about body parts isn't funny to me. The main act did make me laugh about 3 times. The Christian comedy team I've seen several times really makes me laugh.
The night before we left I was ready about chemo treatments and how sick the gals were....well, that makes me scared and I broke down and was crying softly (that's me). The only reason Kevin knew I was crying was because I had to get up and get a tissue. He asks me 'What's wrong?' dumb question is what I am thinking so I just say 'Don't you know what's wrong?' I go back to bed and stay on my side and he stays on his side....making me feel even worse. All I want is to be held....and he's so stupid that he doesn't know that!!!!! Unfortunately, I feel this is about ME right now and I was hurting.
I slept very badly that night, the first time since my diagnosis. I had to be up shortly after 6 so we'd be ready to leave for the airport. I was tired (and I am very weak then) so I was crying again as we waited for the limo.....still no hugs or even a touch from Kevin. I finally got over it and was 'normal' again, we made it home ok shortly before 9PM.
I got up today before 6 so I could eat something this morning. After 6, until 8, I can only have clear liquids.
I have a 9AM appt with the oncologist....to find out my chemo schedule and meds....scary....
I have to be at the surgery center at noon to have the port inserted....more scary.......
On the bright side I'll be able to sleep all afternoon, and I'm still tired.
I'm not scared of the surgery or the outcome of the treatments...just the process of it. Some women get so sick and some work through it. I have to order a wig....never done that. I'm a natural red head, my hair has always been noticeable....how can I be without it???
Thanks for letting me vent!
Linda, you are so brave and so honest. You will get though this. I understand how you feel about Kevin at times....(been there done that)...but I think they are as scared as us, and just don't know how to show it. You will find your blog friends can be your best support group. I did and treasured each one of them. You'll find a cute red wig.... I had red hair before the silly grey took over.. HaHa. Hugs, smiles and prayers.
ReplyDeleteLinda, Going into the unknown is always scary. Buy a wig that is closest to your own color and style or..be brave and try something different. You need to communicate your feelings to Kevin, talk to him let him know how you feel, your fears, he cant comfort what he doesn't know. As Wanda said, he may be scared to. Let him in on all of this, share it with him.
ReplyDeleteHugs and prayers
Oh- Well, I am sending you a big warm, hug. I am so sorry that you are going through this but one of the best things you can do is pour it out-right here-and know that it is safe for you to do that. I think most men don't "get it". I KNOW you are scared but I also know that you are STRONG and you CAN DO THIS. Soon it will be behind you and you can get on with your life and the process of living your retirement!
ReplyDeleteLinda- I know you are very private but would you like me to do a prayer post for you? I would be happy to do that with as much, or as little, information that you would want out there. Let me know-xo Diana
Bless your heart. I'm so sorry you feel so alone right now when you really need the love and support. I will be praying for you during this time. I can't imagine how scary it must be. You are a brave lady and an inspiration to myself and others. Hugs and prayers...Vicky
ReplyDeleteDid you have the port put in? I had a central line put in when I had uterine cancer two years ago. It wasn't so bad. So much better than getting the IV's constantly. It's a difficult time for you. Your emotions must be like a roller coaster ride. One minute you feel like you can do this, then the next you feel so overwhelmed. There will be days when you just feel like punching someone.....I would warn my husband to steer clear of me on those days. lol.
ReplyDeleteThere were A LOT of bloggers praying for me during that time. Diana was a huge help! You can vent anytime you feel like it. We don't mind.
Big hugs going out to you.
Debbie
xo
I wished you did not live so far away from me!!! (most people may not think so,but I can barely drive an hour and I can't stay awake. I need to figure something out.) Linda I want you to know, that I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU. I will listen.
ReplyDeleteThis is when you know that the blogging journey is somehow divine intervention. There are so many who will pray for you and love you through this. I will be following your journey and asking God to remind me of when I need to pray especially for you. May you know God's peace in a way that is unbelievable.
ReplyDeleteSometimes men are afraid that they'll say or do something wrong and get chewed out. Why don't you tell him you just need to be held and hugged for a while because you're feeling scared. They need to be told what you want. You're always in my thoughts.
ReplyDelete